I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
