i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
