You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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