Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
