I'm jealous of your bromance
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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