So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
