she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
