I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
