I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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