Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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