I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
