Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
