Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
