Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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