you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
