dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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