a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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