I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
