I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
cat food counts as protein by the way
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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