How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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