i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
