After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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