My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
