She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
