dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
