Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
nutella sex= disaster
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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