I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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