i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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