I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
