I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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