i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
