god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
