he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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