the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm both gender and math confused
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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