Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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