I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
