Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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