Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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