If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
