The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
