I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Everclear isn't food dammit
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
