Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
