I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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