Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
