to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
please come you make the beer taste better
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I was not drunk enough for that final.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
