Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
