Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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