That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
