do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
