ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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